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click
here for the previous week's New Movies
click
here for 2009 OVERVIEW!
NEW
MOVIES! DECEMBER 15 - DECEMBER 21, 2009
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ALL TOMORROW'S PARTIES (dir: Jonathan
Caouette, Not Rated) – Super8 camera + performances by bands like Battles,
Slint, Lightning Bolt, Belle and Sebastian, Mogwai, etc. = I’m probably not cool enough to write this review. Maybe if I’m lucky I can catch some of these bands on a GAP commercial or something. |
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BELA FLECK: THROW DOWN YOUR HEART (dir: Sascha
Paladino, Not Rated) – Bela Fleck has finally figured out what Africa
needs. Your first thoughts may have had something to do with access to clean water or release from the grip of tyrannical dictators or even something as silly as basic medical supplies – stupid. Bela Fleck was watching DELIVERANCE and listening to some questionably racist music and thought, “Banjo!” How right was he? They made the DVD, right? |
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CHAI LAI ANGELS: DANGEROUS FLOWERS (dir: Poj
Arnon, R) – I saw attractive women in awkwardly pseudo-sexual poses with guns, swimming, etc. and thought that this was a soft-core flick. Then I started reading the back and decided it was just a ridiculous movie. Then I finished reading the back and decided, yes, it is soft-core. Then I read that it is rated “R” for “violence and some language”. I just don’t know what to believe anymore. |
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DEATH WARRIOR (dir: Bill Corcoran, R) – Following the natural and logical progression of things, an MMA world champion does some illegal fighting and then kills some people. Apparently this movie aims to make those killings an o.k. and possibly sympathetic excursion. |
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G-FORCE (dir: Hoyt
Yeatman, PG) – Dear Tracy Morgan – you didn’t need to do this. Was it the money? To do something that your kids could watch? Because even your kids will hate this movie. I’d rather watch the entirety 30-ROCK reenacted by Jim
Belushi. Jim Belushi, Tracy! |
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THE GIRL FROM MONACO (dir: Anne Fontaine, R) – This attorney should be focusing on defending his client (some famous criminal dude), but instead centers his attention on a “beautiful
she-devil.” He should have read the back of the box - then his bodyguard wouldn’t have had to help him out. Or…not help him?! The back of the box is not specific as to whether or not the bodyguard will help him! Why would a bodyguard not help his employer? I bet the reason is suspenseful! |
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THE HANGOVER (dir: Todd Phillips,
Unrated) – I will love Zach Galifianakis forever for dancing in his underwear to “Eternal Flame” by the Bangles and for his rendition of Kanye West’s “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” with folk god Will Oldham (Bonnie “Prince” Billy). Hmmm…good things to say, good things to say…oh! Oh! Daily Show! Loved Ed Helms on the Daily Show! |
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#INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (dir: Quentin Tarantino, R) – We’ll never get back the unpretentious fun-fest of RESERVOIR DOGS. So stop thinking that we will. Because we won’t. With that in mind, have fun with INGLOURIOUS
BASTERDS. Because it wants to have fun with you. Does it have its flaws? Of course it does. So does Edward James Olmos’ face. And how cool is Edward James
Olmos? Super-cool! |
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ISLAND ETUDE (dir:
Huai-en Chen, Not Rated) – A deaf-ish guitarist finds himself while falling in love and getting mystical with the Goddess Matsu in this Taiwanese movie that probably first aired on the Mandarin version of the Lifetime Network. |
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KOBE DOIN' WORK (dir: Spike Lee, Not Rated) – I haven’t read the back of this, but judging from the title Kobe Bryant gets his hands dirty DOIN’ some of the WORK that regular Americans do: maybe some road construction, some janitorial labor, perhaps Kobe will make you some espresso! Though, if that is true, they probably should have had him in some uniform other than his Lakers jersey on the cover… |
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THE MARC PEASE EXPERIENCE (dir: Todd
Louiso, PG-13) – In the film that might possibly be Zach Efron’s future, Jason Schwartzman plays Marc Pease, a man eight years out of high school who realizes that everything sucks and that he was mega-awesome back in high school. Now he’s got twenty-four hours to get his old music teacher (Ben Stiller) to help him with his recording dreams. Stiller should be able to help – he was recently the MC at the Wal-Mart stockholder’s meeting. Deal with that. |
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THE OTHER MAN (dir: Richard Eyre, R) – Uh-oh. Someone took another
loved one from Liam Neeson. See the review of TAKEN and add Antonio Banderas and Laura
Linney. |
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OUTPOST (dir: Steve Barker, R) – If I was in war-torn Eastern Europe, the first place that I would hide would be in an underground Nazi bunker where creepy-crazy experiments were performed on Nazi soldiers. So I sympathize with this poor team of blood-thirsty mercenaries. |
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^TAKING WOODSTOCK (dir: Ang Lee, R) – Ang Lee made the wonderful BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, so I feel a little guilty about the fact that I’ll never watch this movie - no matter how many clever drawings of CDs-that-look-like-boobies that Demetri Martin draws in it. |
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20TH CENTURY BOYS 1: BEGINNING OF THE END (dir: Yukihiko
Tsutsumi, Not Rated) – Some whiny kid named Kenji wrote “The Book of Prophecy” and is now complaining that all his bummer prophecies are coming true. That’s like me lighting myself on fire and later complaining about third-degree burns. Loser. |
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TWISTED TALES OF MAINE (dir: Andy Davis, Not Rated) – By watching such classics as
2, MONSTER IN THE WOODS, I'M SORRY., and MUD, you too can find out just what your fellow Mainers have been doing in their mother’s basements. |
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WATCH OUT (dir: Steve
Balderson, Not Rated) – Jonathan Barrows (Matt Riddlehoover, TO A TEE) and I both face the hardest question known to the human race – to whom do you make sweet, sweet lovin’ “when you’re the best-looking and smartest person in the room?” Finally - the movie I’ve been waiting for my entire life. |
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= THOM's
pick of the week! ^ = Bart's
pick of the week! |