A.LI.CE (dir: Kenichi Maejima, Not Rated) - This Japanese hit employs the latest in computer animation to tell the story of a girl whose shuttle to the moon crashes near the north pole and she is transported 30 years into the future.

ACACIA (dir: Ki-Hyung Park , Not Rated) – A couple adopts a young boy who then proceeds to totally freak them out. This eerie thriller from South Korea rivals anything in the Japanese horror movement.

ADORED: DIARY OF A PORN STAR (dir: Marco Filiberti, Not Rated) – An Italian gay porn star must confront his family with his hidden lifestyle after the patriarch dies. And that’s never easy.

AGAINST THE ROPES (dir: Charles Dutton, PG-13) – Meg Ryan stars as real life Jackie Kallen, a woman who broke barriers as a female boxing manager. It’s like ERIN BROCKOVICH, only really bad.

AGENT CODY BANKS 2: DESTINATION LONDON (dir: Kevin Allen, PG) – Hey, I don’t care if Frankie Muniz makes dumb movies. As long as he’s not hanging out with the Olsen twins getting crunked every night.

AKA (dir: Duncan Roy, R) - Escaping from an unhappy childhood, a young British man heads to the mainland and infiltrates the upper classes of Paris with an assumed identity. This real life story makes THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY look like dress-up.

ALI G INDAHOUSE (dir: Mark Mylod, R) – If you have yet to experience the genius that is Ali G, this is a fine place to start. For reals.

ALI G SHOW , DA: DA COMPLEET FIRST SEAZON (dir: Sacha Baron Cohen, Not Rated) – Here is the year’s ultimate comedy treat. Sasha Baron Cohen is an Oxford educated chameleon who lures unsuspecting guests into being interviewed by his white rapper alter-ego Ali G. Victims include Ralph Nader, Boutros Boutros-Ghali and Buzz Aldrin. Segments also include the characters of Borat , Kazakhstan ’s finest reporter, and Bruno, the uber-gay Austrian fashion guru. Hilarious.

ALIAS: SEASON 3 (dir: J.J. Abrams, Not Rated) - Sydney 's back, and more uncertain about who the bad guys are than ever.

ALILA (dir: Amos Gitai, Not Rated) – It’s an Israeli SHORT CUTS for the residents of a Tel-Aviv apartment building in this drama from Amos Gitai, Israel’s “one man new wave.”

AMOUR DE FEMME (dir: Sylvie Verheyde, Not Rated): My French is a little rusty but I’m pretty sure we’re dealing with some girl-on-girl action here.

ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID (dir: Dwight Little, PG-13) – Okay, my conundrum is this; there are approximately 400 new releases this week. I have neither the time nor the inclination to do a thorough job of educating you people as to the differences and subtleties of each film. I don’t think in good conscience you could expect me to. Therefore, at best I may offer up a flippant remark about each title and as I drudge further into this Sissyphean task, I will probably start to trail off a bit or perhaps resort to symbols such as :-)  or :-(  to attempt to convey my feelings. And I guess that doesn’t leave much room to discuss ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID.

ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY (dir: Adam McKay, Unrated) – More shenanigans from Will Ferrell. It is his specialty, after all.

ANGELS IN AMERICA (dir: Mike Nichols, Not Rated) - After winning virtually every award at The Emmys and The Golden Globes, the lauded HBO miniseries finally hits DVD . Al Pacino, Meryl Streep and Emma Thompson head up an amazing cast, which also includes many of the original actors from the Broadway run.

APPRENTICE, THE (dir: Mark Burnett, Not Rated) – For a guy with a billion dollars, Donald Trump may have the most repulsive comb-over in all of hairdom.

AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE: VOLUME 2 (dir: Meat Wad, NR) – TV’s funniest roommates/private investigators are back with a second season of misadventures. Is it too much to hope for an appearance by The Moononites?

AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE: VOLUME 3 (dir: Matt Maiellaro / Dave Willis, Not Rated) - Frat Aliens. Best. Episode. Ever.

AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS (dir: Frank Coraci, PG) – This Jackie Chan kiddie adaptation of the Jules Verne classic is mostly lame but has two things going for it. All around awesome Brit co-star Steve Coogan and a cameo by that wizard of public speaking, The Governator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: SEASON 1 (dir: Mitchell Hurwitz, Not Rated) - If you like CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM but think it's not mean spirited enough, this Emmy winner for Best Comedy Series will fill every corner of your tiny black heart.

BAADASSSSS! (dir: Mario Van Peebles, R) - Mario Van Peebles pays tribute to his dad Melvin and his landmark film SWEET SWEETBACK'S BAADASSSSS SONG with this recounting of the struggles it took to get that film made. This was a huge hit at Sundance 2004.

BARBARIAN INVASIONS, THE (dir: Denys Arcand, R) – The winner of this year’s Academy Award for foreign language film went to this family drama from Canada. Technically a sequel to THE DECLINE OF THE AMERICAN EMPIRE, this film stands on its own merits and was widely regarded as one of the best films of 2003.

BATTLE ROYALE II: SURVIVAL PROGRAM (dir: Kinji Fukasaku, Not Rated) – For those of you unfamiliar with Japan ’s most notorious bloodfeast, the premise is this: A bunch of randomly selected teenagers are sent to a remote island and are forced to fight to the death. The proceedings are filmed and shown as the top rated reality TV show. Is it satire of our disposable hyper-culture or just a sick stunt? It may be both. Regardless, this time the government dispatches these lean, mean killing teens to bring down a notorious terrorist.

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: THE MINISERIES (dir: Michael Rymer, Not Rated) – This Sci-Fi channel miniseries stars Edward James Olmos and they did a terrific job with his alien makeup. Oh, it’s acne scarring, you say? Well, either way it works.

BEFORE SUNSET (dir: Richard Linklater, R) – If you haven’t seen BEFORE SUNRISE, don’t fret. Your enjoyment of this film will not be inhibited by your ignorance. We find Jesse and Celine, nine years after their initial encounter in Vienna, meeting randomly one afternoon in Paris. They are again forced to make huge life decisions in the space of a few hours. Not to be missed!

BENJI OFF THE LEASH! (dir: Joe Camp, PG) – When was Benji ever on the leash?

BIG BOUNCE, THE (dir: George Armitage, PG-13) – Owen Wilson and Morgan Freeman star in this caper comedy set in Hawaii. Adapted from an Elmore Leonard novel, this has all his trademark breezy dialogue, sunny locales and plot twists like a pretzel.

BLESSED (dir: Simon Fellows, R) - Heather Graham plays a young wife who has trouble getting pregnant. She and her husband head to the eeriest fertility clinic around and they are soon happily expecting a bambino. Unfortunately, they injected her with devil sperm and she is now incubating Satan's kid. Bummer.

BLIND SHAFT (dir: Li Yang, Not Rated) – In the northwest of China, two predatory con men are killing miners and then collecting the payoff from the company. They recruit a naïve farm boy, but he begins to drive a wedge between them. A taut thriller, equal parts Hitchcock and neorealistic expose, BLIND SHAFT was shot on the sly in real mines with real danger. Breathtaking.

BLIND SWORDSMAN: ZATOICHI, THE (dir: Takeshi Kitano, R) – Although the latest from “Beat” Takeshi Kitano won audience awards at the Venice and Toronto film festivals and has been universally hailed as “really awesome,” I’d like to point out that Rutger Hauer made a little film about 15 years ago called BLIND FURY in which he played a blind swordsman too. Nice try “Beat” Takeshi Kitano.

BLUE SPRING (dir: Toshiaki Toyoda, Not Rated) – For all you fans of BATTLE ROYALE and SUICIDE CLUB, here’s a gory new entry in the Japanese-Schoolkids-Killing-Each-Other genre. This one’s basically LORD OF THE FLIES with automatic weapons.

BOA VS. PYTHON (dir: David Flores, R) – When a gigantic python gets loose on a private reserve, the FBI must release an equally large boa to track and capture it, as a group of wealthy big game hunters try to bag the python as a trophy for themselves. I don’t make this stuff up, people.

BOBBY JONES, STROKE OF GENIUS (dir: Rowdy Herrington, PG) – Not to be confused with the original STROKE OF GENIUS, which was about sexy co-eds at an odyssey-of-the-mind tournament, this movie is about golf. And not wild, unpredictable Tiger Woods fueled modern day golf. Oh no. This is golf in the olden days. With bloomers! And bowler hats! And the guy who played our lord and savior in THE PASSION! Rent this if, heaven forbid, THE LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE is out.

BON VOYAGE (dir: Jean-Paul Rappeneau, PG-13) – This all-star French caper was a smash at home and has now come to charm these shores. Isabelle Adjani, Gerard Depardieu and Virginie Ledoyen play a motley group of Parisians hiding from the Nazis in a Bordeaux hotel. Grand, old-fashioned-style fun.

BOOKIES (dir: Mark Illsley, R) – Three college friends decide there is money to be made running a gambling operation out of their dorm rooms. Money is flowing… until the mob gets wind of it. Hopefully they enjoyed their kneecaps while they could.

BOOTMEN (dir: Dein Perry, R): This Australian release follows a group of young men striving to break out of their blue-collar backgrounds by tap-dancing. Their steel factory fathers don’t approve and that’s just the tip of the cliché iceberg.

BORN RICH (dir: Jamie Johnson, Not Rated) - Man, I sure am sick of documentaries about depressing stuff like Sudan and politics. I'm really glad Jamie Johnson, heir to the Johnson & Johnson fortune turned the camera on himself and his friends to expose the true hardships of being whiny idiotic snobs. His friend Luke Weil, who appears in the film, wasn't so glad and sued him for defamation. This is grossly fascinating stuff to be sure, but you will feel dirty after viewing it. So, so dirty.

BOURNE SUPREMACY, THE (dir: Paul Greengrass, PG-13) – Matt Damon is back and still can’t remember nuthin’. Shadowy government types continue to try and kill him so he once again breaks out the ninjitsu. Franka Potente, Brian Cox, and Julia Stiles all return and are joined by newcomer Joan Allen. From the director of BLOODY SUNDAY.

BOX 507 (dir: Enrique Urbizu, Not Rated) – From Spain comes this Hitchcockian crime picture that lulls you into submission only to knock you senseless. A bank manager is locked inside the vault during a robbery and uncovers a safety deposit box that may hold the key to his daughter’s murder seven years earlier. Well, there isn’t literally a key. It’s more like a clue, really.

BREAKIN' ALL THE RULES (dir: Daniel Taplitz, PG-13): Teen heart-throb Jaime Foxx gets dumped, writes a book about it, and relays his famous tips to his cousin, skank-ho Morris Chestnut. But his lady gets wind of that ish and she ain’t havin it. T’POW! Plus Peter Macnichol shows up so your mom will be really into it.

BROKEN WINGS (dir: Nir Bergman, R) – Winner of just about every Israeli Academy Award in 2003, this domestic melodrama takes nary a wrong step in its realistic portrayal of a mother and daughter’s struggle to deal with a family tragedy.

BROTHERS IN ARMS (dir: Paul Alexander, Not Rated) - This pro-Kerry documentary reunites all the crew members of the swift boat that the presidential candidate helmed in Vietnam . These are the people who were actually on the boat with him and they stand by him. Take that, Sinclair!

BUDDY (dir: Morten Tyldum, Not Rated) - I love Norway. I love reality television. Since the latest in the Film Movement series is about a young Norwegian man whose video diary ends up on TV, I'm really looking forward to this. I was kidding about reality TV though. I hate it. Except THE AMAZING RACE . Chip and Kim forever!

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: SEASON 7 (dir: Joss Whedon, Not Rated) - Please don't rent this yet. Bart and Michelle aren't finished watching it.

BULGARIAN LOVERS (dir: Eloy De La Inglesia, Not Rated) - So there's this guy named Daniel and he's engaged to be married, and then he meets a Bulgarian gay man and they get it on, and then comic mischief ensues. You may have enjoyed this movie the first time you saw it when it was coverage of James McGreevy coming out to America, but this time it has subtitles.

BUS 174 (dir: Felipe Lacerda / José Padilha, R) – On June 12, 2000 a young man took a crowded bus hostage in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The resulting standoff was shown live on television and gripped a nation all too familiar with violent crime. Fascinating stuff, like a reality-TV CITY OF GOD.

BUSH FAMILY FORTUNES: THE BEST DEMOCRACY MONEY CAN BUY (dir: Greg Palast, Not Rated) - Hey, I love anti-Bush agit-prop as much as any liberal bedwetter but you're preaching to the choir, dude.

BUSH'S BRAIN (dir: Joseph Mealey / Michael Shoob, PG-13) – If I see one more political documentary this fall, I’m going to puke.

BUTTERFLY EFFECT, THE (dir: Eric Bress / J. Mackye Gruber, R) – If Ashton Kutcher wants to be taken seriously as an actor, he’s going to have to do better than this goofy thriller. He plays a young man suffering from blackouts who discovers his dead father’s formula for time travel. He then proceeds to commute back and forth through history trying to change the future. Hasn’t he ever seen a movie about time travel? Doesn’t he understand he will only make things worse? Doesn’t he understand he’s just going to turn Amy Smart into a crack-whore? This is my odds on favorite for campiest film of 2004. Go Ashton!

BUTTERFLY, THE (dir: Philippe Muyl, Not Rated) – That old man that was the grandfather and kooky DNA playboy in the JURASSIC PARK movies (well not really, but look at him, man… dead ringer) plays an eccentric butterfly collector. If that isn’t enough plot for you, a lovable little girl moves in next door. With red hair! Touching!

CARANDIRU (dir: Hector Babenco, R) – Hector Babenco, director of the legendary PIXOTE, returns to Brazil for this real-life look at Carandiru, the most notorious prison in the country. Told from the perspective of the prison doctor, but veering off into the histories of several of the prisoners, CARANDIRU is a nuanced, powerful film that deserves to be seen.

CARNIVALE: SEASON 1 (dir: Daniel Knauf, Not Rated) – HBO’s latest doesn’t have mobsters, morticians, or loose women but it’s still worth watching. It’s an atmospheric drama set in a traveling carnival with the wide array of colorful characters you would expect. And the backward talking little man from TWIN PEAKS is in it.

CHO REVOLUTION (dir: Lorene Machado, Not Rated) – Everyone’s favorite potty-mouthed bisexual Korean-American comedienne is back with her third concert film in three years. Subjects include George W. Bush’s potential benefit from flashcards, the joy of bodily functions and ruminations about her loser ex-boyfriend.

CHRIS ROCK : NEVER SCARED (dir: Joel Gallen, Not Rated) – Personally, I think Chris Rock is the funniest and bravest comedian working today. Tackling controversial subjects like abortion, the war in Iraq, affirmative action and, ahem, Michael Jackson, he proves once again he will tread where very few dare.

CHRISTMAS VACATION 2: COUSIN EDDIE'S ISLAND ADVENTURE (dir: Nick Marck, Not Rated) - You know a franchise is in trouble when it can't woo Chevy Chase back one last time. It's similar to when Steve Guttenberg stopped appearing in the POLICE ACADEMY films.

CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK, THE (dir: David Twohy, R) - Vin Diesel returns for this prequel to PITCH BLACK. I guess that's better than a prequel to XXX but still seems a bit presumptuous.

CINDERELLA STORY, A (dir: Mark Rosman, PG) - Dear god no! Hillary Duff dares to make another Cinderella movie, in which Prince Charming doesn't know her real identity because they met in a chat room. A CHAT ROOM ! Can Chad Michael Murray really learn to love a girl who lives in an attic and can, you know, read? Watch and find out.

CLEARING, THE (dir: Pieter Jan Brugge, R) – Robert Redford and Helen Mirren are an attractive couple who come face to face with terror in the form of unattractive kidnapper Willem Dafoe.

CLIFFORD’S REALLY BIG MOVIE (dir: Robert C. Ramirez, G) – Why is children’s entertainment so terrifying? Does it not bother anyone but me that Clifford is a GIANT RED DOG?

CLOSE YOUR EYES (dir: Nick Willing, R) - Goran Visnjic, Miranda Otto and Paddy Considine star in this psychological thriller that involves hypnotherapy, a serial murderer, and secret ancient religions. It describes itself as complex, but that probably really means muddled and impossible to follow.

CODE 46 (dir: Michael Winterbottom, R) – Prolific director Michael Winterbottom teams up with Tim Robbins and Samantha Morton for this futuristic thriller that sounds like a tarted up LOGAN’S RUN.

COFFEE AND CIGARETTES (dir: Jim Jarmusch, R) – Everyone from Bill Murray to Cate Blanchett to The White Stripes makes appearances in Jim Jarmusch’s witty collection of vignettes, all revolving around, you guessed it, coffee and cigarettes. COFFEE AND CIGARETTES displays the typical quirkiness Jarmusch has become known for, but is more accessible than many of his previous films.

COLLATERAL (dir: Michael Mann, R) - Tom Cruise is a cold blooded hitman and Jamie Foxx is the cab driver whose services Cruise retains for an evening of bumping off the residents of Los Angeles. If you ignore some of the mildly outrageous plot devices and focus on the smooth performances by the leads and the jazzy direction of Michael Mann, it's a highly enjoyable Hollywood thriller.

COLOR OF A BRISK AND LEAPING DAY (dir: Christopher Munch, Not Rated) - Like an Ansel Adams photo come to life, this celebrated indie is an ode to both the beauty of nature and the America of yesteryear. At the end of World War II, the grandson of a Chinese railroad laborer tries to save the train line that runs through the Yosemite valley. Winner of numerous Cinematography awards.

CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN (dir: Sara Sugarman, PG) – Lindsay Lohan is a creepy android from the future. That’s not the plot of this film; it’s just my opinion.

CONNIE AND CARLA (dir: Michael Lembeck, PG-13) – MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING’s Nia Vardalos proves she’s no fluke. This movie isn’t funny either!

CONTROL ROOM (dir: Jehane Noujaim, Not Rated) – This fascinating documentary takes us inside Al Jazeera headquarters and shines a light on one of the most controversial media operations in the world. Uh-oh, this is vaguely political. I think I got some vomitus on my khakis.

CORN (dir: Dave Silver, PG-13) – Jena Malone plays a pregnant teen who witnesses an environmental accident involving genetically modified corn. She then must race against time to stop the deadly corn from hitting store shelves.

CORONADO (dir: Claudio Faeh, PG-13) – A woman from Beverly Hills’s search for her missing fiancée leads her to Coronado, a fictional South American country on the brink of revolution. There she discovers a dark secret that will change her life and the future of Coronado forever.

CRAZY LIPS (dir: Hirohisa Sasaki, Not Rated) – Here’s a new term to toss around at your next cocktail party: “J-Horror”. That’s what they’re calling all these crazy Japanese horror movies that have sprung up in the wake of the phenomenal world-wide popularity of RINGU (the original version of THE RING). CRAZY LIPS is a notable addition to the mini-genre for its no-holds-barred finale which will mess your mind.

CRIMSON GOLD (dir: Jafar Panahi, Not Rated) – Jafar Panahi directs a script by Abbas Kiarostami. That’s basically the Iranian equivalent of Steven Spielberg and Martin Scorsese making a film together. The fable about a man’s rage at class bias won the Chicago Film Festival.

CUBA FELIZ (dir: Karim Dridi, Not Rated) – Now that you’ve finally taken your BUENA VISTA SOCIAL CLUB soundtrack out the CD-changer, here’s a brand new documentary on the heart and soul of Cuban music. Watch as a lovable old guy named The Rooster travels around the island to find out just where all that great music comes from.

DANNY DECKCHAIR (dir: Jeff Balsmeyer, PG-13) – Rhys Ifans ties balloons to a chair and flies away. And finds love.

DAUGHTERS OF THE SUN (dir: Maryam Shahriar, Not Rated) – Returning to Iran after a ten year exile, director Maryam Shahriar made this film about a young woman from a rural area who disguises herself as a boy in order to find work weaving carpets. Another powerful example of Iran’s emerging national cinema.

DAWN OF THE DEAD (dir: Zack Snyder, Unrated) – This decent remake is a little skimpy with the scares and satire but is still pretty gore-tastic.

DAY AFTER TOMORROW, THE (dir: Roland Emmerich, PG-13): Don’t you hate it when the ocean reaches its critical salination point and the world is sent into a new ice-age?

DAY WITHOUT A MEXICAN, A (dir: Sergio Arau, R) - What would happen if one day every Hispanic in California suddenly vanished, and a thick fog cut off everybody left in the state from the rest of the world? That's the question posed by this mockumentary and it thinks the answer would be the state coming to a crashing halt.

DEAD END (dir: Jean-Baptiste Andrea / Fabrice Canepa, R) – This thriller won Best International Feature Film at the Fantasia Montreal Film Festival. I know what you’re thinking: That means absolutely nothing to me. What if I told you it also snagged the Audience Award at the Brussels International Fantasy Film Festival? Yeah, you’re eating your words now, aren’t you?

DEAD LEAVES (dir: Hiroyuki Imaishi, Unrated) - It's post apocalyptic! It's Japanese! It's not GARFIELD THE MOVIE! The two main characters awaken on post apocalyptic earth with amnesia and are kidnapped by..you guessed it: Dead Leaves, a top-secret cloning facility.

DEADLINE (dir: Katy Chevigny, Not Rated) - This award winning doc follows Illinois Governor George Ryan's decision to grant clemency to that state's167 death row prisoners after 13 people slated to die were proven innocent. This powerful indictment of the inhumanity of the death penalty shows why 115 countries around the world have banned it. The United States lags behind only China and Iran in the number of executions annually. So we have that going for us.

DE-LOVELY (dir: Irwin Winkler, PG-13) – Kevin Kline stars as Cole Porter. Ashley Judd co-stars as his beard.

DIAL H-I-S-T-O-R-Y (dir: Johan Grimonprez, Not Rated) – Here’s an interestingly off-kilter documentary/art project that examines the skyjacking craze of the 60’s and 70’s. Mixing archival footage with surreal home movies, director Johan Grimonprez achieves something, but I think only he knows what it is.

DIRTY DANCING: HAVANA NIGHTS (dir: Guy Ferland, PG-13) – Diego Luna, I knew Patrick Swayze. You sir, are no Patrick Swayze.

DISCHORD (dir: Mark Wilkinson, Not Rated): Not WALKING TALL good, maybe, but this movie about an “alternative rock star” who plays the violin (think about that for a minute) is supposed to be creepy and about your brother-in-law stalking you. But is that really creepy? Isn’t that what single brother-in-laws are for? Stalking? Am I wrong? Well, regardless, the main character (the violin-playing rock star) is named Gypsy. Yeah, you’ll be renting this one tonight.

DODGEBALL (dir: Rawson Marshall Thurber, PG-13) – Yes, it’s juvenile. Yes, it’s lazy. Yes, it’s merely a series of clichéd sketches wrapped around the most minimal of stories. But it’s Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn. Laughter is inevitable.

DOGVILLE (dir: Lars Von Trier, R) – A sensation at Cannes in 2003, DOGVILLE finally got a theatrical release in America and is now officially out on disc. That’s why we’re sticking it back in the new section. Nicole Kidman stars as a woman on the run in Depression era Colorado who is first given safe harbor by the town of Dogville and then turned upon. Fans of Von Trier’s female tragedies BREAKING THE WAVES and DANCER IN THE DARK will not be disappointed. This is brave, unabashedly intelligent filmmaking that’s not afraid to polarize an audience.

DOOR IN THE FLOOR, THE (dir: Tod Williams, R) - Jeff Bridges is in top form as usual, in this drama based on the first segment of A Widow For One Year by John Irving. Bridges and Kim Basinger play a couple numbed and distant as the result of an accident that killed their sons. A young Exeter student they hire for the summer soon finds himself caught up in their quiet battle of wills. Full of compelling and complex characters, this is the rare Hollywood film made unapologetically for adults. It has no need to cater to teenagers and is uninterested in pat, sophomoric endings.

DRACULA 3000 (dir: Darrell James Roodt, R) – When your crappy horror sequel is anchored by a lineup of Casper Van Dien, Coolio, and Erika Eleniak, it’s clearly time to start heading for the eject button. Unless you’re watching it in an ironic way. Then you know, it’s totally cool.

DREAM CATCHER, THE (dir: Ed Radtke, Not Rated) – Two juvenile delinquents hit the road in this acclaimed indie that won awards at film festivals from Cleveland to Locarno. Stealing cars, hopping trains and hitch-hiking across America, our heroes learn that you can run from your past but you can’t run from your… problems.

DREAMERS, THE (dir: Bernardo Bertolucci, NC-17) – Bernardo Bertolucci makes an electrifying return to relevance with his best film since THE LAST EMPEROR. Set against the turbulence of the French student protests in the spring of 1968, Michael Pitt stars as Matthew, a young American student whose love of cinema leads to a friendship with cinephile siblings Theo and Isabelle. As he becomes entangled in their insular and seductive world, he realizes he isn’t dealing with a typical brother and sister relationship. Faster than you can say three-way, Matthew is moved into their apartment and our slightly perverted trio is feasting on carnal delights like the world is ending soon. Bertolucci makes a glorious ode to filmdom while elegantly capturing the frivolity and heartbreak of young lust.

ELF (dir: Jon Favreau, PG) - Will Ferrell is hilarious as a human raised by elves at the North Pole. When he discovers his real identity he ventures to New York to find his father, played by James Caan. Predictable and formulaic, but utterly charming.

ELLA ENCHANTED (dir: Tommy O’ Haver, PG) – Little girls like the worst movies on earth. Discuss.

EMBALMER, THE (dir: Matteo Garrone, Not Rated) – A taxidermist who stashes contraband for the mob in his corpses takes on an assistant with whom he develops a strange fascination. Roger Ebert called this Italian film “masterful”.

ENEMIES OF LAUGHTER (dir: Jospeh Travolta, Not Rated) - Described as the Hollywood version of AMERICAN SPLENDOR, ENEMIES OF LAUGHTER is notable mostly for being directed by John Travolta's brother and for being the first film to star both Judge Reinhold and Bea Arthur.

EVERYTHING UNSPOKEN (dir: Anthony Ferraro, Not Rated) - Recently shown at the avant-garde film festival at the Eveningstar, EVERYTHING UNSPOKEN is an existential talkie with an acknowledged debt to Jim Jarmusch.

EYE 2, THE (dir: Pang Brothers, Not Rated) - Yippee! Not only is young Joey pregnant and not stoked about it, but now she can see dead people and a creepy old woman is stalking her. This is just not her day.

FACING WINDOWS (dir: Ferzan Ozpetek, R) – According to this woman, advice from old homeless men on the streets can give you the moral cavity to turn your back on your husband and children and have an affair with the neighbor you’ve been lusting after since that Christmas party last year. And people want to SOLVE the homeless problem? Seriously.

FAHRENHEIT 9/11 (dir: Michael Moore, R) - Man, this is just lies and propaganda. What? Nah, I didn't see it. That's what I heard on talk radio and Fox news.

FAHREN-HYPE 9/11 (dir: Alan Peterson, Not Rated): Because Bart & Greg’s gives you a fair and balanced selection of movies to rent, here’s some top-notch Michael Moore backlash from the conservative propaganda machine.

FALLING ANGELS (dir: Scott Smith, Not Rated) – Film Movement alert! This month’s addition to the series is the wickedly funny story of a dysfunctional family set against the backdrop of the 1960’s. Miranda Richardson stars.

FAMILY GUY: THE FREAKIN' SWEET COLLECTION (dir: Seth McFarlane, Not Rated) - Here's some leftover tidbits for the fanboys who can't bear the thought of waiting one more day for the new episodes. Includes the never aired "When You Wish Upon A Weinstein" episode.

FARMINGVILLE (dir: Catherine Tambini, Not Rated) – Tensions boil over when the presence of migrant workers starts to lower property rates in a sleepy Long Island town. The townspeoples’ solution: Attempt to kill the migrant workers. Did I mention that this is a documentary? Long Island is a glacial garbage dump.

FASTER (dir: Mark Neale, PG-13) - This adrenaline fuelled documentary follows two years on the MotoGP circuit, the most extreme motorcycle racing on earth. Narrated by biking enthusiast Ewan McGregor.

FATHER AND SON (dir: Alexander Sokurov, Not Rated) – RUSSIAN ARK director Alexander Sokurov follows that landmark film with the second in his trilogy of family-related films. This film continues where MOTHER & SON left off.

FESTIVAL EXPRESS (dir: Bob Smeaton, R) – This documentary follows a 1970 tour of Canada by Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead, and others by train. I hope someone packed a bunch of pine tree air fresheners.

FIVE DAYS TO MIDNIGHT (dir: Michael Watkins, Not Rated): This cinematic TV event (it’s like four hours long, dude) explores the age old question: “Hey! What would happen if I got a police report from the future detailing the events and suspects surrounding MY OWN MURDER!!! And what if also Randy Quaid was somehow involved?” Chilling. And really really long.

FIVE OBSTRUCTIONS, THE (dir: Lars Von Trier / Jorgen Leth, Not Rated) - That pesky Dane Lars Von Trier is at it again. In THE FIVE OBSTRUCTIONS he, appearing as himself, challenges his filmmaker idol Jorgen Leth to remake his own 12 minute film THE PERFECT HUMAN five times, each with an obstruction meant to trip him up. He sends Leth to Cuba and India and forces him to use animation, but the joke may end up being on him. Unquestionably the week's oddest film but worth the effort as it totally out-metas anything from Charlie Kaufman.

FOGI IS A BASTARD (dir: Marcel Gisler, Not Rated) – It’s Switzerland, 1973. You’re a bored, sexually confused teenager named Beni. Of course you’re going to fall in love with Fogi, glam rock lead singer of The Minks, and let him treat you like dirt and get you hooked on skag. Of course you are.

FORTY -FOUR HUNDRED, THE (dir: Scott Peters, Not Rated) – I know it’s a television program. It might be like 24 or, perhaps, SEX AND THE CITY . Use your imagination.

FRANKENFISH (dir: Mark A.Z. Dippé, R) – In case you were at a loss for what to see after BOA VS. PYTHON.

FUEHRER EX (dir: Winfried Bonengel, Not Rated) - The lure of Jordache jeans and the Atari 2600 prove too much for two teenage friends in 1980's East Berlin. They head for freedom but are thwarted and sent to a harsh communist prison where the other prisoners brutalize them and brainwash them into becoming Neo-Nazi thugs. Bummer.

FUTURAMA: VOLUME 4 (dir: Matt Groening, Not Rated) – Sure, FUTURAMA’s great, but let’s get cracking on more SIMPSONS seasons on DVD , you know?

GARAGE DAYS (dir: Alex Proyas, R) – Director Alex Proyas is best known for Sci-Fi special effect extravaganzas like I, ROBOT, DARK CITY and THE CROW so it’s a bit of a surprise that he made this Australian film about a rock band trying to make it. What’s not surprising is that it’s just as awful as the rest of his films.

GARDEN STATE (dir: Zach Braff, R) – Zach Braff wrote, directed, and starred in this charming coming-of-age romance. It treads well worn territory (think THE GRADUATE) but does so in a fresh and appealing way. Featuring great supporting performances by Natalie Portman and Peter Sarsgaard, who is shaping up as the best actor of his generation.

GARFIELD: THE MOVIE (dir: Peter Hewitt, PG) - Bill Murray must have needed a new summer home really badly to agree to voice this lame CGI rendition of the beloved feline.

GATEKEEPER, THE (dir: John Carlos Frey, R): Mister Frey treats us to 103 minutes of a PO’d racist border patrol worker being forced to work with the very people he loathes and abhors when his undercover scheme blows up in his Van Damme look-alike face. Spanish subtitles available.

GHOST DELIVERY (dir: Thiwa Maythaisong, Not Rated) - From Thailand comes the latest hit on the Hong Kong import scene. A young man with powers of the supernatural sets up a service where he provides ghosts for people with haunting needs. He summons them through the internet.

GHOST IN THE SHELL 1: STAND ALONE COMPLEX (dir: Kenji Kamiyama, Not Rated) – Seven years later, the Japanese have followed up one of their best and most popular anime films with a season-length anime series, which has in turn become one of Japan’s most highly praised TV-shows. Here’s the first four episodes, and we know all you indoor kids will love it.

GHOST IN THE SHELL 2: INNOCENCE (dir: Mamoru Oshii, PG-13) – I saw the original GHOST IN THE SHELL almost ten years ago and am still trying to figure out what it was about, so don’t expect me to offer any insight into this sequel.

GHOST IN THE SHELL: STAND ALONE COMPLEX 3 (dir: Kenji Kamiyama, R) – Please see the LAST EXILE review.

GHOST WATCHER (dir: David A. Cross, R) - Q: What's worse than having a vicious ghost haunt your apartment? A: Being an agoraphobic and being stuck in the apartment.

GHOSTS OF EDENDALE, THE (dir: Stefan Avalos, R) - Here's another ghost movie. This one's about an aspiring filmmaker who moves into a Hollywood Hills home which is, you guessed it, totally haunted!

GIRL FROM PARIS, THE (dir: Christian Carion, Not Rated) – A young woman who is sick of the rat race leaves Paris and buys an old man’s farm with the stipulation that he stays and teaches her how to run it. Although they have personality conflicts, they gradually learn to respect one another. The perfect fantasy for anyone who’s ever dreamt of bagging it all for a simpler life.

GIRL NEXT DOOR, THE (dir: Luke Greenfield, Unrated) – What starts off as a fairly engaging update of RISKY BUSINESS trails off into tedium in this teen sex comedy. Emile Hirsch plays a top student who has repressed all normal teenage urges in favor of scholastic achievement. When an attractive young lady moves in next door, reason flies out the window and he is soon pursuing her at any cost, grades be damned. Things take a drastic turn when it turns out she’s a porn star. How inconvenient. It’s too bad the movie can’t sustain its early quirkiness and soon descends into clichés and contrivances. This also packs a rather puritanical message for a film that revels in titillation.

GOD HAS A RAP SHEET (dir: Kamal Ahmed, Not Rated) - The co-creator of The Jerky Boys directs this prison drama laced with mysticism. Yeah, I stopped reading after the part about The Jerky Boys too.

GODFORSAKEN (dir: Pieter Kuijpers, Not Rated) – Based on the true story of teenage killers running amok in Holland in the mid-90’s, GODFORSAKEN explores what motivates bored, privileged kids to turn their backs on the rules of society. Brutal. It’s like NATURAL BORN KILLERS meets HANS BRINKER & THE SILVER SKATES.

GODSEND (dir: Nick Hamm, PG-13) – Greg Kinnear, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos play parents who are bummed that their kid died. Luckily Robert DeNiro plays a doctor who is totally into illegal cloning. Yes, this is a cloning thriller. How topical. How boring. All parties involved soon learn that Mother Nature does not take kindly to people all up in her business.

GOING UPRIVER (dir: George Butler, PG-13) – John Kerry totally rocks out the swift boat.

GOOD BYE, LENIN! (dir: Wolfgang Becker, R) – An East German boy must hide the fall of the Berlin Wall from his ailing socialist mama, because he thinks the shock might kill her. Your enjoyment of this lightly satiric dramedy will probably depend on whether or not you buy its absurd premise.

GOZU (dir: Takashi Miike, Unrated) - Takashi Miike has been taking it easy on us lately. His last two releases, SABU and THE BLACK SOCIETY TRILOGY, showed us his lighter side. But any suggestion that he's going soft will be quickly extinguished by GOZU, a Yakuza horror film guaranteed to make you never look at a cow-headed demon the same way.

GRAND THEFT PARSONS (dir: David Caffrey, PG-13) – Legend has it that when Graham Parsons died, his manager stole the body and drove it to Joshua Tree National Park to be immolated in the desert. There’s probably a good movie to be made out of this story, by other filmmakers.

GRANDE ECOLE (dir: Robert Salis, Unrated) - This French drama explores the romantic lives of young people at an elite university. The surprising revelation: college kids are horny.

GREENDALE (dir: Neil Young, Not Rated) – Neil Young makes a zero-budget movie to illustrate the concept album he just put out, and the result is this surprisingly coherent social fable about a senseless crime that shakes up a rural town in Northern California. It’s a must-see for fans of Young’s music, and for anyone looking for a no-frills, one-of-a-kind film experience.

GREG THE BUNNY: THE COMPLETE SERIES (dir: Dan Milano, Not Rated) - Live stuffed animals talk dirty and sexually harass co-workers at a TV station, all under the watchful eye of Seth Green and Eugene Levy for 13 whole episodes. Thanks for that.

GYPSY 83 (dir: Todd Stephens, R) - Two friends, fleeing their stifling outsider-dom in small town Ohio, travel to NYC with the ambition of becoming the best Stevie Nicks impersonators the world has ever seen. What could possibly go wrong?

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN (dir: Alfonso Cuaron, PG) - Is this the one where Harry gets Hermione pregnant?

HEALER, THE (dir: Agnieszka Holland, R) - Miranda Otto was that sword wielding lady in the Lord of the Rings movies. This is not that movie. It's about having a sick kid and looking for a supernatural healer to save him. In Poland.

HEBREW HAMMER, THE (dir: Jonathan Kesselman, R) - This painfully unfunny spoof on blaxploitation films stars Adam Goldberg from DAZED & CONFUSED as a Jewish private detective/superstud. Andy Dick plays Damien, the son of Santa Claus, who wants to eliminate Hanukkah.

HELLBOY (dir: Guillermo del Toro, PG-13) – Cool Mexican director Guillermo del Toro has previously taken a rather artistic approach to genre films like BLADE 2, THE DEVIL’S BACKBONE and CRONOS, so it will be interesting to see what he does with this comic book adaptation. Ron Perlman stars as the reformed demon out to save mankind from the forces of darkness. That sounds like hard work. I’m sleepy.

HELTER SKELTER (dir: John Gray, Not Rated) - Have you heard of Charles Manson? Man, he was crazy.

HERO (dir: Zhang Yimou, PG-13) - Oh, cool. HERO finally gets a release in America. That'd be a lot cooler if Bart & Greg's hadn't bought an import copy two years ago and if every hipster in Brunswick hadn't already rented it.

HIDALGO (dir: Joe Johnston, PG-13) – Who likes horses? Who likes Viggo Mortensen? Who likes Viggo Mortensen riding a horse across the Arabian Desert, manes blowing in the wind? Based on the true story of man and beast testing mettle against the violent forces of nature, HIDALGO strives to be the adventure film of a lifetime. And fails.

HIGHWAYMEN (dir: Robert Harmon, R) – The director of cult classic THE HITCHER hits the road again with this thriller about a man hunting the serial killer who murdered his wife. Starring Jesus aka Jim Caviezel.

HILLSIDE STRANGLER, THE (dir: Chuck Parello, Unrated) – Continuing the series of serial killer biopics that has already brought us GACY, ED GEIN, DAHMER, and TED BUNDY, THE HILLSIDE STRANGLER works extra hard to nauseate the viewer and should be avoided by everyone but C. Thomas Howell fans, who will be happy to discover that he is not dead.

HOLY CHILD, THE (dir: Stephane Clavier, Not Rated) – A French priest is surprised to learn that a romance from his youth yielded the teenager that he now finds standing on the doorstep of his church. I guess that’s the difference between French and American priests. Theirs have children and ours “have” children.

HOLY LAND , THE (dir: Eitan Gorlin, R) – I was saying just the other day that they don’t make as many romantic comedies about Hassidic Jews falling for Russian prostitutes as they used to.

HOME AT THE END OF THE WORLD, A (dir: Michael Mayer, R) – There was a lot of hullabaloo about the pre-edited version of this film due to the original, unflinching shot of Colin Farrell’s wang. Personally, I wonder if the whole thing was just staged for the movie to get exposure. Get it! Exposure! Ha!

HOME FRONT, THE (dir: Glen Pitre, R) – Tatum O’ Neal stars as a widow in Louisiana during World War II who becomes embroiled in controversy when she begins an affair with a mysterious European doctor played by Julian Sands. Hey everybody, it’s okay. He’s not a nazi. He’s just really creepy.

HOME MOVIES: SEASON 1 (dir: Loren Bouchard / Brendon Small / Jon Benjamin, Not Rated) – Following the rhythmic and sarcastic comedy style of DR. KATZ, PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST, this is a very comfortable cartoon about a dysfunctional functional family. Considering the thousands of fans who love FAMILY GUY, it blows our minds that few people have even heard of HOME MOVIES ‘cause it’s like totes way better.

HOME ON THE RANGE (dir: Will Finn, PG) - I keep reading about hand-drawn animation being dead, but Disney keeps churning out new "masterpieces". No one really gets too excited about anything these days unless the words SHREK or Pixar are involved and that's sorta sad, you know?

HONEY FOR OSHUN (dir: Humberto Solás, R) – A young man embarks on a wild road trip through Cuba looking for the mother he never knew. I hope he brought his own car.

HORNS AND HALOS (dir: Suki Hawley / Michael Galinsky, Not Rated): This week’s token anti-Bush documentary is about the book FORTUNATE SON , and its possible sabotage using political force. J. H. Hatfield took on writing the future president’s biography, intending it to be an even-handed look at Bush’s candidacy. When he allegedly uncovered 1972 arrest for cocaine possession, however, he found himself in the center of a media firestorm. Allegedly bowing to pressure from the Bush family, St. Martin ’s killed the book 3 days after it hit the shelves, under the guise of the author having a criminal past of his own. Allegedly.

HOW TO DRAW A BUNNY (dir: John W. Walter, Not Rated) – Described as “the most famous unknown artist” in America, Ray Johnson was an enigma in and out of the art world. This film chronicles his life and the aftermath of his mysterious death, with testimonials from Roy Lichtenstein, Christo and others.

HOW'S YOUR NEWS? (dir: Arthur Bradford, Not Rated) – SOUTH PARK troublemakers Trey Parker and Matt Stone decided it would be a good idea to pack a Winnebago with several mentally disabled people and have them drive across country conducting interviews with people they meet. While this may sound exploitive, it’s actually quite sweet and you end up caring for the reporters a great deal. Some of the “normal” people they run into are without a doubt more handicapped than they are.

HUMAN STAIN, THE (dir: Robert Benton, R) – Anthony Hopkins plays a black dude. Seriously.

I, ROBOT (dir: Alex Proyas, PG-13) - Will Smith battles robots run amok in this sci-fi rollercoaster. Based loosely on the work of Isaac Asimov. Taking into account that it's starring the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, probably very loosely.

I'LL SLEEP WHEN I'M DEAD (dir: Mike Hodges, R) - Clive Owen plays an ex-gangster whose brother dies under mysterious circumstances. It'd be a pretty short movie if he decided to turn the other cheek, so he totally rocks the vengeance angle. Charlotte Rampling, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, and Malcolm McDowell co-star.

I'M NOT SCARED (dir: Gabriele Salvatores, R) - This hypnotic thriller from Italy follows a young boy as he discovers that the world is more complicated than he imagined. He finds a kid chained up in the basement of an abandoned house, but instead of telling his parents or the police, he simply befriends him and visits him daily. As the details of how and why the boy came to be there slowly emerge, the boys' allegiances are tested and drastic choices must be made. Set in the sun drenched rolling plains of southern Italy, I'M NOT SCARED is radiant in appearance but dark beneath the surface.

IN THE MIRROR OF MAYA DEREN (dir: Martina Kudlacek, Not Rated) – In the world of experimental / avant-garde film, Maya Deren is second only to Stan Brakhage in terms of name recognition and the number of filmmakers she’s influenced. This documentary serves as an introduction to her groundbreaking work, and as a portrait of a complex artist.

INFERNAL AFFAIRS (dir: Andrew Lau / Alan Mak, Not Rated) - This tale of undercover cops in Hong Kong is just hitting theaters in New York and L.A. and is being remade for Hollywood by Tom Cruise, so why not enjoy our nice import copy?

INHERITANCE (dir: Kris Kristensen, PG-13) – What would you do if an old woman left you her estate, then possessed you with her demonic spirit? Yeah, you’d probably handle that the way you did the last three times it happened to you.

INTENDED, THE (dir: Kristian Levring, Not Rated) – Academy Award magnets Janet McTeer, Olympia Dukakis, and Brenda Fricker star in this thriller from the Danish director of THE KING IS ALIVE.

INTERMISSION (dir: John Crowley, R) - With fifty-four characters and eleven storylines, it seems like it would take a rather large intersection to tie them all together. A bus accident takes care of that in this genre-blending Irish film featuring Cillian Murphy, Colin Farrell, Colm Meaney, and Kelly MacDonald.

INTIMATE STRANGERS (dir: Patrice Leconte, R) – When a woman looking for a therapist accidentally enters a tax accountant’s office, he doesn’t bother to correct her. He finds the charade of pretending to be someone else a respite from his mundane career. The latest from Patrice Leconte cements why he has risen to the pinnacle of French filmmakers.

INUGAMI (dir: Masato Harada, Not Rated) - In a remote Japanese village, women watch over the Inugami (a.k.a. evil dog spirits). If they misuse the spirits, evil ghost dogs attack. Add in an incest subplot and Japan has successfully freaked me out once again.

INVADER ZIM, VOLUME 3: HORRIBLE HOLIDAY CHEER (dir: Jhonen Vasquez, Not Rated) - More hilarious antics for distraught goth kids who think it's really awesome when cute things act dark and slightly crazy. I was never one of those kids. But if you're a little curious, this collection has a sort of Christmas spin on it or something.

INVADER ZIM: VOLUME 2: PROGRESSIVE STUPIDITY (dir: Jhonen Vasquez, Not Rated) – The funny alien with a serious Napoleon complex returns with more episodes from his hit Nickelodeon series.

IRON JAWED ANGELS (dir: Katja Von Garnier, Not Rated) – This made for HBO drama follows the real life triumph of Alice Paul and Lucy Burns during the women’s suffrage movement nearly a century ago. It’s hard to believe this was once a country where only white men dictated the rules and moral codes.

JACK (dir: Lee Rose, PG-13) – Ron Silver is in this. That can’t be good.

JAMES’ JOURNEY TO JERUSALEM (dir: Ra'anan Alexandrowicz, Not Rated) – James, a devout Christian from a small African village, travels to the holy land on a spiritual quest and ends up staying.

JAPON (dir: Carlos Reygadas, Unrated) – Anytime a movie is compared to the work of Andrei Tarkovsky and is described as a “meditation on the ecstasies and terrors of the natural world,” you better keep two or three Red Bulls handy.

JERICHO MANSIONS (dir: Alberto Sciamma, R) – Whoa, It’s James Caan. I thought he was dead.

JERSEY GIRL (dir: Kevin Smith, PG-13) – Following the triumph of GIGLI, I find it mind-boggling that the advertising department for this film decided to downplay the fact that this is the second Bennifer collaboration.

JERSEY TALE, A (dir: Michael Tolajian, R) – A relatively unheard of independent film, A JERSEY TALE is the touching story of Ray Ray Morales, who goes to work in a pawn-shop and learns a little something about life and love in the ghetto. Did I mention that the dude’s name is Ray Ray?

JIM BROWN: ALL AMERICAN (dir: Spike Lee, Not Rated) – Spike Lee turns a worshipful eye to one of the greatest football players to ever set foot to turf but, unfortunately, glosses over the more dubious achievements of his hero. When recounting the notorious incident in which Jim was arrested for throwing her off a second story balcony, a former girlfriend assures us that she jumped… to escape his beating. Umm, what? Mr. All American also reportedly missed the premiere of this movie because he was in jail for making terrorist threats against his current wife and destroying her car with a shovel. Thanks, Spike.

JOE SCHMO SHOW , THE (dir: Rhett Reese / Paul Wernick, Not Rated) – This experiment in reality tv imagines what would happen if a guy thought he was on a reality tv show but really it was a ruse and everyone was in on it but him. Got that?

JOHNSON FAMILY VACATION (dir: Christopher Erskin, PG-13) – There are two reasons this film makes me happy: 1) Beyonce’s little sister Solange (who also sings) makes her acting debut. Solange, like Beyonce, prefers to go by her first name alone. Seriously, with names like Beyonce and Solange what else were they going to grow up to do but be divas? 2) Lil’ Bow Wow gets to continue his acting career, although he has dropped the “Lil” and is now just Bow Wow, which sounds a lil’ bit silly to me.

JOURNEY TO THE SUN (dir: Yesim Ustaoglu, Not Rated) - You thought YOL was the only movie ever made in Turkey ? Think again, because this acclaimed political road movie is an honest-to-goodness Turkish delight!

JULIE STRAIN'S TALES FROM THE CRAPPER (dir: Gabriel Freedman, Not Rated): What would we do without the Troma film company? There would be no TOXIC AVENGER, no SGT . KABUKIMAN NYPD, no TROMEO & JULIET. That’s just not a world I want to live in.

JU-ON: THE GRUDGE (dir: Takashi Shimizu, R) – The remake is currently a hit in theaters for ex-vampire slayer Sarah Michelle Gellar, so why not check out the original? It’s by the same director and was just released in 2003 so…it’s practically…the same…movie.

K STREET: THE COMPLETE SERIES (dir: Steven Soderberg, Not Rated) – Executive producers George Clooney and Steven Soderberg take a walk down the corridors of power with this HBO series that mixes actors with real politicians. Not that there’s much of a difference.

KAENA: THE PROPHECY (dir: Chris Delaporte, PG-13) - Kirsten Dunst, Richard Harris, and Anjelica Huston lend their voices to this CGI animated film from France. It's like a sci-fi WHALE RIDER!

KEEN EDDIE: THE COMPLETE SERIES (dir: J. H. Wyman, Not Rated) – This critical fave from Bravo follows a New York cop who goes to work for Scotland Yard. Can you imagine? A New York cop in London ! Can anybody spell culture clash?

KILL BILL : VOLUME 2 (dir: Quentin Tarentino, R) – Will you just kill Bill already? Honestly, if Bill ain’t dead by the end of this one I’m gonna be ticked off.

KING ARTHUR (dir: Antoine Fuqua, Unrated) – Jousting and Keira Knightly? Is this heaven?

KINGDOM HOSPITAL (dir: Craig Baxley, Not Rated): Based on Lars Von Trier’s Danish miniseries from the 1990’s, KINGDOM HOSPITAL has been reworked by Stephen King and is now set in a haunted Lewiston hospital. This series didn’t find much of an audience when it aired on TV this year but it deserves to be seen. Cause, you know, Lewiston ’s right near here.

KITCHEN STORIES (dir: Bent Hamer, PG) - This Scandinavian co-production has charmed audiences around the world with its story of a Swedish efficiency expert researching the methods of a Norwegian farmer. The farmer is only interested in disrupting the research and a comic battle quickly ensues. Bart says it's "Tati meets Kaurismaki."

KOMEDIANT (dir: Arnon Goldfinger, Not Rated) – A family’s life in the Yiddish theater is recounted in this Israeli documentary. The Bernstein family trotted the globe performing their particular brand of vaudeville throughout the twentieth century. Interviewed along with surviving family members are other stars of the Yiddish stage, including Fyvush Finkel.

L WORD, THE: SEASON 1 (dir: Michele Abbott / Ilene Chaiken, Not Rated) – Man, if only all those hot chicks on SEX & THE CITY were lesbians. Cha-ching!

LA VIE PROMISE (dir: Olivier Dahan, Not Rated) - Isabelle Huppert is a fearless actress. If you saw her work in THE PIANO TEACHER, you know what I mean. Here she plays a prostitute reconnecting with the teenage daughter that was taken away from her. Hitting the road after her daughter stabs her pimp, she is confronted with the past she has spent a lifetime burying.

LADYKILLERS, THE (dir: Joel Coen / Ethan Coen, R) – Tom Hanks teams up with The Coen Brothers for this remake of the beloved Alec Guinness caper film. Unnecessary? Maybe, but it was unfairly dismissed when it was released in theaters. It’s fast and fun, and probably their most satisfying film since THE BIG LEBOWSKI.

LAST DANCE (dir: Mirra Bank, Not Rated) – Maurice Sendak, the author and illustrator, collaborates with the Piloblolus Dance Theater on a project about the holocaust. This documentary follows the project from inception to opening night.

LAST EXILE 5: GRAND STREAM (dir: Kouichi Chigira, PG-13) – Here’s the latest chapter in the visually stunning anime series about futuristic airplane pilots. I know more than a few of you will gobble it up.

LAST EXILE 6: QUEEN DELPHINE (dir: Kouichi Chigara, PG-13) - Here's the latest chapter in the visually stunning anime series about futuristic airplane pilots. I know more than a few of you will gobble it up.

LAST EXILE 7: SEALED MOVE (dir: Kouichi Chigira, PG-13) – I am so sleepy. Please send help.

LAST GREAT WILDERNESS, THE (dir: David Mackenzie, R) – Are you ready for MONARCH OF THE GLEN meets THE WICKER MAN ? Hot new Scottish director David MacKenzie proves he’s a talent to watch with this story that finds a spurned husband meeting up with a small time gangster and getting stuck at an isolated mansion in the Highlands full of eccentrics. Uniquely British.

LATE NIGHT SHOPPING (dir: Saul Metzstein, Not Rated) - Four aimless Scottish friends commiserate at their local pub nightly, trying to escape their mundane existences. As much as I enjoy and relate to twentysomethings whining about stuff, this could have used a little more zip.

LATELINE: THE COMPLETE SERIES (dir: Al Franken, Not Rated) – This Al Franken sitcom never got a fair shot when it originally aired in 1998. Playing a vain reporter for a fictional news program he reels in guest stars like Joan Lunden, Conan O’ Brien and Martin Sheen.

LATTER DAYS (dir: C. Jay Cox, R) – I was saying just the other day that they don’t make as many romantic comedies about Morman dudes falling in love with gay guys as they used to.

LAWS OF ATTRACTION (dir: Peter Howitt, PG-13) – Why are bad romantic comedies so depressing? This dreary, pulseless walkthrough for Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore may have redeemed itself by the end, but I was too busy gouging my eyes out to notice.

LEGEND OF LEIGH BOWERY, THE (dir: Charles Atlas, Not Rated) – Revered by everyone from Damian Hirst to Boy George, Leigh Bowery was on the cutting edge of London’s culture of outrage art movement as this documentary ably demonstrates.

LEVELLAND (dir: Clark Lee Walker, R) – This is a good example of how a small independent film can come out of nowhere, surprise you and make you wonder why no one is talking about it. Two teenaged, skateboarding brothers try to navigate their way through a stagnant suburbia full of houses that look the same and people that act the same. They and their small circle of friends escape the toxic culture of their humdrum high school by hitting their boards and rolling toward freedom. Sure, some of the dialogue is a tad stiff and most of the actors clearly inexperienced, but, make no mistake, this film possesses what so many others lack: heart.

LIFE KILLS (VIVIR MATA): (dir: Nicolas Echevarria, Not Rated): Based on the idea that the more people you lie to, the more bonded and attached you will become to your confused soul mate. At least in the crazy mixed up world of Mexico City. Oh man, that place is crazy. Right?

LILYA 4-EVER (dir: Lukas Moodysson, R) – Lukas Moodysson is my favorite young filmmaker in the world. He has the humanity of Truffaut and the dark poetry of Bergman, who was quoted as calling Moodysson a “young master”. If you have yet to check out SHOW ME LOVE and TOGETHER, what are you waiting for? His latest film adds to his small cannon of great films and may be his most moving. Lilya is a teenage girl living in an anonymous apartment block somewhere in the former Soviet Union. After her mother abandons her for America, she starts on a downward spiral that will leave any viewer with a soul heartbroken. But as Lilya descends into sub-human conditions, Moodysson doesn’t abandon her as a human being. He dares you not to empathize. The best film I’ve seen in 2004.

LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING, EXTENDED EDITON (dir: Peter Jackson, PG-13) - Now with 17% more hobbits!

LOS DEBUTANTES (dir: Andrés Waissbluth, Not Rated) – Two brothers get messed up with a stripper and her boss in this gritty thriller from Chile.

LOST BOYS OF SUDAN (dir: Megan Mylan / Jon Shenk, Not Rated) – This acclaimed documentary follows 2 of the estimated 20,000 children orphaned by years of war in Sudan as they struggle to assimilate into American life. Inspiring, heart-wrenching, and gripping!

LOST JUNCTION (dir: Peter Masterson, R) – Neve Campbell is a young woman driving around with her dead husband in the trunk. Of course she’s going to pick up a bunch of hitchhikers.

LOVE FORBIDDEN (dir: Rodolphe Marconi, Not Rated) – The problem with having roommates at college is that when you get really wasted and make out, it’s always awkward afterwards. Especially when the roommate then develops a romantic obsession that threatens to destroy you both.

LOVE ME IF YOU DARE (dir: Yann Samuell, R) - Two little kids play a game where they dare each other to do crazy things. When they grow up they are still playing this game - and obviously attracted to each other. Yeah, I dare you not to love this movie.

LOVE OBJECT (dir: Robert Parigi, R) – The most romantic guy-orders-anatomically-correct-doll-woman-and-falls-in-love-with-her film ever.

LOVE ROME (dir: Carter B. Smith, Not Rated) – An all-indie-star cast, including Drea de Matteo and Angela Bettis, tries to make sense of a post-9/11 world in a series of romantic vignettes that mix documentary and scripted footage.

LOVING GLANCES (dir: Srdjan Karanovic, Not Rated) – Here it is. A romantic comedy set during the Balkans war. I joked about it last week but this is the real deal.

LUTHER (dir: Eric Till, PG-13) - This biopic of Martin Luther, the 16th century monk revolutionary, dares to say that religion is a crutch for the weak minded. Actually, that's what Jesse Ventura, former governor of Minnesota, says. This movie is more like THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. With less gore.

MAKE A WISH (dir: Sharon Ferranti, Not Rated) - A group of lesbians decide to celebrate a friend's birthday by going for a camp-out in the Texas wilderness. It isn't long before they start to die. Is it the crossbow wielding hunter? Is it the weird detective? Is it a jealous ex-lover? I don't know. I couldn't finish it.

MAN ON FIRE (dir: Tony Scott, R) - Denzel Washington plays an burned-out, alcoholic CIA agent who takes a job as a bodyguard for Dakota Fanning in Mexico City. Just as she starts to warm his heart, she's kidnapped and Denzel goes loco. He proceeds to track down and torture slowly those responsible. It's the CITIZEN KANE of revenge pornography.

MANCHILD: SEASON 1 (dir: David Evans / Audrey Cooke, NR) – It’s basically SEX & THE CITY , only it’s set in London, the four leads are about a decade older, and they’re dudes. Oh yeah, and it stars Giles from BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.

MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE, THE (dir: Jonathan Demme, R) – Don’t fall asleep twice during this movie. That’s what I did and the ending made no sense whatsoever.

MANGO KISS (dir: Sascha Rice, Not Rated) – A wholesome lesbian couple travel to San Francisco and get mixed up with some unsavory types. Can their relationship survive this crazy new world?

MARIA FULL OF GRACE (dir: Joshua Marston, R) – Or more accurately: MARIA FULL OF HEROIN FILLED CONDOMS.

MARRIED UNMARRIED (dir: Noli, Unrated) - We've got a single monikered director on our hands here. If his work holds up with that of McG, Ash, and Tarsem we could have a new film movement on our hands. I know that I haven't really described anything about this film but if the director is pretentious enough to go by one name, do you really care?

MAYOR OF THE SUNSET STRIP (dir: George Hickenlooper, R) – This documentary follows legendary scenester Rodney Bingenheimer as he hangs out with everyone from The Ramones to Coldplay. He helped many artists to achieve their fame and fortune out of a simple love for music and never asked for anything in return. This unusual little man will make you laugh, uncomfortably.

MEAN GIRLS (dir: Mark Waters, PG-13) – This very well may be the CITIZEN KANE of teen films. Lindsay Lohan arrives at an upscale suburban high school after being home-schooled in the African bush by her zoologist parents, and is shocked to discover the politics that dictate the social order among her new peers. She quickly falls in with “The Plastics” (the snobbiest and most elite group of girls in school) but discovers that their friendship is as authentic as their moniker. Thus begins a teen girl battle royale for the ages. Written and co-starring the miraculous Tina Fey, MEAN GIRLS is, to quote Gene Shalit, “awesome, cool and wicked-good”.

METHOD (dir: Duncan Roy, R) - Is Elizabeth Hurley crazy? Yes and her character in this movie might be too. She's a struggling actress who lands the role of a serial killer and gets really into the character. Maybe that's why bodies keep appearing in her apartment. Or maybe it's Jeremy Sisto, her co-star, who is the murderer. I mean he has that gravelly voice and played Jesus that one time. He could kill people, right?

MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S RAVE , A (dir: Gil Cates Jr., R) - Because everyone's been waiting for a techno update of one of Shakespeare's most popular plays.

MONSIEUR IBRAHIM (dir: François Dupeyron, R) – Omar Sharif is awesome. Did you know he speaks four languages fluently? Or that he’s a world class bridge player? Or that last year he head-butted a French policeman in a casino and then bragged about it in an interview? I could go on and on. What’s really important is that you check out his comeback bid in this charming comedy in which he plays a Turkish grocery store owner in 1960’s Paris who befriends a young Jewish boy.

MOTHER, THE (dir: Roger Michell, R): Things get hot n’ heavy for a widowed grandmother when she embarks on a torrid affair with a much younger man in this classy British drama.

MR. SHOW : SEASON 4 (dir: Bob Odenkirk / David Cross, Not Rated) – Bob and Dave are back with more outrageous episodes of their groundbreaking HBO series. My personal fave is the Hitler clones episiode. Gone but not forgotten, boys.

MY FATHER AND I (dir: Anne Fontaine, Not Rated) – A successful French doctor finds his life turned upside down by the mysterious return of his father, who abandoned his wife and children and was thought to be dead. This mysterious drama has been called a Bergman/Hitchcock hybrid with a hypnotic power.

MY FLESH AND BLOOD (dir: Sheila Nevins, Not Rated) - How much can one woman give of herself? A lot, according to this documentary about a woman who adopted eleven children with various special needs. Things get dicey when her non-adopted son freaks out and becomes violent.

MY VOYAGE TO ITALY (dir: Martin Scorsese, PG-13) – When Martin Scorsese went to Cinecitta Studios in Rome to film GANGS OF NEW YORK , he was fulfilling a lifelong dream of working where so many Italian masterpieces had been born. Here he takes an in-depth look at the careers of the Italian auteurs that influenced and inspired him. At four hours, this is probably a bit much for the casual viewer, but any serious film buff will dig it.

MY WIFE MAURICE (dir: Jean-Marie Poire, Not Rated) - The director of one of France's all-time hits, THE VISITORS, returns with this sex comedy that aims to be the new LA CAGE AUX FOLLES but falters with its puerile humor and ridiculous plot machinations.

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE (dir: Jared Hess, PG) – I guess Mormans really can be funny.

NED KELLY (dir: Gregor Jordan, R) – Sexy elf alert! Orlando “Legolas” Bloom joins Heath Ledger and Naomi Watts for this fact-based actioner based on the life of Australia ’s most celebrated bushwhacker. Apparently, this film’s early-70’s incarnation starring Mick Jagger left someone unsatisfied.

NEVER DIE ALONE (dir: Ernest R. Dickerson, R) – DMX and David Arquette. Finally.

NEW YORK MINUTE (dir: Dennie Gordon, PG) – Olsen twins purists may be upset that they’ve sold out and made the jump to the big screen but, hey, they have to put food on the table somehow. I apologize.

NO VACANCY (dir: Marius Balchunas, R) - This indie comedy was made in 1999 but is so good they waited until now to release it.

NOI (dir: Dagus Kari, PG-13): It’s like they read my mind. I love Iceland. I love albinos. This movie is about an albino teenager in Iceland. Sweet.

OASIS (dir: Chang-dong Lee, Not Rated) - A smash at film festivals around the world and, in general, one of the best reviewed films in recent memory, OASIS is a magical film from South Korea that "gives humanism back its good name." Wow.

OFF THE LIP (dir: Robert Mickelson, R) - Like surfing? Like comedy? If you're lucky, this film will be chock full of both. If you're unlucky, hey, you've only lost $3.50.

OFFICE SPECIAL, THE (dir: Ricky Gervais / Stephen Merchant, Not Rated) - Here's one for the road. Set three years after the demise of the original series, we find David Brent pursuing his singing career and Gareth running things. Originally shown on British TV as a Christmas special, THE OFFICE says goodbye at the top of its game.

OPEN WATER (dir: Chris Kentis, R) – This micro budgeted aquatic thriller didn’t have any money for special effects so they had the actors swimming with real sharks. A sensation at Sundance, OPEN WATER “achieves a primal terror” that ensures “you’ll never go in the water again.”

OPERATION MIDNIGHT CLIMAX (dir: Gadi Harel / Will Keenan, Unrated) – Michael Showalter from STELLA SHORTS and WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER co-stars in this uproarious indie about a guy who wants to create an all female secret society to fight global conspiracy and keep the world safe.

OUT OF REACH (dir: Po-Chih Leong, R) – In a remarkable change of pace, Steven Seagal stretches his acting chops with this heart-warming family drama about a boy and his gun.

OUTFOXED: RUPERT MURDOCH’S WAR ON JOURNALISM (dir: Robert Greenwald, Not Rated) – Our friends at MoveOn.org gleefully rip apart evil Australian Rupert Murdoch’s media empire like a tiger would rip apart a housecat. The fact that this is not a challenge does not dilute the enjoyment of watching that sour faced windbag Bill O’ Reilly being exposed as the loudmouthed anti-journalist that he is. The man did get his start hosting INSIDE EDITION after all.

OUTSKIRTS, THE (dir: Petr Lutsik, Not Rated) – For a few years there’s been a buzz about this underground hit from Russia that combines hard-hitting political espionage with slapstick comedy. It’s finally out on DVD , so let’s check out this film that’s been called “too dangerous to show in Russia.”

PARANOIA AGENT 1 (dir: Satoshi Kon, R) – This anime series is from the director of TOKYO GODFATHERS, MILLENNIUM ACTRESS, and PERFECT BLUE , so it’s a safe bet that it rules. Here Kon tells the story of a serial killer who, witnesses say, appears to be a little kid. Creepy.

PASSION OF THE CHRIST, THE (dir: Mel Gibson, R) – Finally, a movie Pat Robertson and Fangoria subscribers can agree upon.

PEOPLE I KNOW (dir: Dan Algrant, R) – Al Pacino stars in his first straight-to-video thriller. Hoo-Haw!

PERFECT OPPOSITES (dir: Matt Cooper, PG-13) - Starring Piper "I guess COYOTE UGLY wasn't the best career move" Perabo and Martin "I'm the guy from THE RING that looks exactly like Brad Pit" Henderson, PERFECT OPPOSITES is the perfect anonymous romantic comedy to serve their anonymous talents.

PHARAOH'S ARMY (dir: Robby Henson, PG-13) – Chris Cooper and the ubiquitous Patricia Clarkson are strangers thrown together during the Civil War. Seriously, nothing spells romance like our nation’s bloodiest and darkest chapter.

PRIDE (dir: John Downer, Not Rated) – Helen Mirren and Kate Winslet lend their vox to this live action tale of lions in the Serengeti struggling, as Ice Cube might say, just to live another twenty-four. This BBC feature utilizes the same cute/creepy digital animation in BABE to make the animals talk.

PRINCE AND ME, THE (dir: Martha Coolidge, PG) – If I had my way this would be about Julia Stiles being recruited to play keyboards in The Revolution on the Purple Rain tour. It would be a period piece, obviously. The budget alone for lace fringed costumes would be staggering. Unfortunately, I am not running a large Hollywood studio. I am merely a dreamer sitting at the computer, wishing this dreary romantic comedy away.

PRINCESS DIARIES 2: ROYAL ENGAGEMENT (dir: Garry Marshall, G) - We're pretty deep in unnecessary sequel territory here. Get a life, Julie Andrews.

PROJECT GREENLIGHT 2 (dir: Alex Keledjian, Not Rated) – Maine’s own Kyle and Efrem make big fools of themselves as they stumble through the making of the waste of celluloid known as THE BATTLE OF SHAKER HEIGHTS.

PROMISES (dir: Justine Shapiro / B.Z. Goldberg, Not Rated) - Israeli born filmmaker B.Z. Goldberg returned to Jerusalem to make this documentary about 7 Israeli and Palestinian children living in close proximity but worlds apart. Some of the children spout the vitriol and dogma of their parents while others want to interact with children of other backgrounds. When Jewish twins Yarko and Daniel visit a Palestinian township and spend the day playing soccer with new friend Faraj, I dare you to not get emotional.

PROZAC NATION (dir: Erik Skjoldbjærg, R) – This adaptation of Elizabeth Wurtzel’s revered memoir was set to be released in the fall of 2001. But when Wurtzel, who resided just a few blocks from the World Trade Center, made comments referring to the 9/11 collapse as resembling a “beautiful work of art,” the movie got shelved. So we got an import copy. Starring Christina Ricci.

PULSE (dir: Marcus Adams, R) – We admit it: we got this run-of-the-mill straight-to-video Madeleine Stowe thriller because of the outrageous who’s who of young Hollywood unknowns we love in the cast: Bijou Phillips! Mischa Barton! Jonathan Rhys-Meyers! Norman Reedus! You don’t care!

PUNISHER, THE (dir: Jonathan Hensleigh, R) – Revenge is the order of the day when baddie John Travolta has special agent Tom Jane’s family killed. He then proceeds to mope around wearing all black while shooting everything that moves. In his spare time he also manages to flirt with abused wife Rebecca Romijn-Stamos.

PURSUED (dir: Kristoffer Tabori, R) – Christian Slater plays a corporate headhunter who takes his job a bit too literally.

RAISING HELEN (dir: Garry Marshall, PG-13): Hey Kate Hudson, stop it.

RECKONING, THE (dir: Paul McGuigan, R) – Why does Willem Dafoe have to take off his shirt in every movie he’s in? His creepy, bony frame should be covered at all times. Remember in TRIUMPH OF THE SPIRIT where he played a boxer in a concentration camp? He’s like a skeleton with skin. Ugh.

RED SIREN (dir: Olivier Megaton, R) – It sounds like THE PROFESSIONAL redux when a twelve year old girl teams up with a hardened assassin in this French action film. Demented genius Asia Argento is on hand as the girl’s mother.

REDEMPTION (dir: Vondie Curtis Hall, R) – Hot commodity Jamie Foxx plays real life Tookie Williams, the man that founded the infamous Crips street gang. From Death Row he renounced the violence he had helped create, wrote a series of anti-gang books, and was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

RELATIVE EVIL (dir: Tanya Wexler, R) - A teenage boy has made it through rehab and is looking forward to going home and rebuilding his life. Unfortunately his family wants to cash in on an insurance policy that requires him to be dead before his 18th birthday. Jennifer Tilley, David Strathairn, and Ethan Embry star.

RENEGADE (dir: Jan Kounen, R) – Who wants to watch a crazy western? Who wants to watch a crazy western starring Vincent Cassel, Juliette Lewis, Ernest Borgnine, Eddie Izzard, and someone named Kestenbetsa? I thought so.

RENO 911!: Season 1 (dir: Michael Patrick Jann, Not Rated) – America wasn’t asking for a spoof of the TV show “COPS!”, but Comedy Central gave us one anyway. And it’s good! Let’s thank some of the members of THE STATE for this mostly funny, mostly improvised series.

REPUBLIC OF LOVE, THE (dir: Deepa Mehta, Not Rated) – The latest offering in the Film Movement series is from acclaimed director Deepa Mehta and is based on the Pulitzer Prize winning novel by Carol Shields. A gentle romantic comedy set in Toronto, THE REPUBLIC OF LOVE illustrates the complexities of love without resorting to tedious clichés. Fresh and amusing.

RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE (dir: Alexander Witt, R) – Milla Jovovich is back to battle more zombies while scantily clad.

RETURN, THE (dir: Andrey Zvyagintsev, Not Rated) – In this Russian thriller, two young brothers head out on a road trip with a father they haven’t seen in 12 years. This is one of my favorite films of the year and marks an extraordinary debut by Andrey Zvyagintsev.

REVENGERS TRAGEDY (dir: Alex Cox, Not Rated) – Alex Cox, the elusive genius behind REPO MAN , SID & NANCY, and other celebrated cult classics, updates a semi-obscure Elizabethan play and sets it in a post-apocalyptic Liverpool. And if this isn’t enough to pique your interest, your favorite cross-dressing stand-up comic, Eddie Izzard, stars.

REVERSIBLE ERRORS (dir: Mike Robe, Not Rated): William H. Macy, Tom Selleck and Monica Potter star in this adaptation of legal eagle Scott Turow’s novel. Tom, the ‘stache is looking awesome. Like, really awesome.

RICK (dir: Curtiss Clayton, R) - If you like your comedies black as coal, this corporate tale of amorality makes IN THE COMPANY OF MEN look like POLLYANNA. Bill Pullman plays an executive who delights in others' misery but is about to have the tables turned on him.

ROCKED WITH GINA GERSHON (dir: Gina Gershon, Not Rated) – Last year Gina Gershon embarked on a concert tour to promote her film PREY FOR ROCK AND ROLL . Much more importantly, the special edition of SHOWGIRLS is also being released this week. If you haven’t seen Gina’s brilliant portrayal of Cristal Conners, you should really treat yourself. “It’s now or never, darlin’. That’s what Elvis said”.

ROLLING KANSAS (dir: Thomas Haden Church, R) – Hey, instead of renting HOW HIGH for the 40th time, how ‘bout giving this low-brow pot comedy a shot?

SADA (dir: Nobuhiko Obayashi, Not Rated) – Based on the same subject matter as the controversial IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES, SADA takes a more playful approach to the story of Sada Abe, the much-celebrated prostitute who murdered and castrated her lover in the thirties.

SADDEST MUSIC IN THE WORLD, THE (dir: Guy Maddin, R) - Isabella Rossellini has no legs. A guy builds Isabella Rossellini a pair of glass legs filled with beer. I'm moving to Canada.

SERIAL SLAYER (dir: Mark Tapio Kines, R) - A sniper with a crossbow is terrorizing the suburbs. Bad news for suburbanites. Good news for gorehounds.

SEX AND THE CITY: SEASON SIX: PART TWO (dir: Darren Star, Not Rated) – Yup. It’s over. Deal with it.

SHADOWS OF THE DEAD (dir: Carl Lindbergh, R) – When taking a romantic weekend in the country, it’s ill-advised to catch a flesh-eating disease and die.

SHAUN OF THE DEAD (dir: Edgar Wright, R) – Funny and gross, with zombies moaning in British accents.

SIMPSONS, THE: SEASON 5 (dir: Matt Groening, Not Rated) – What greater gift could we ask to receive this holiday season than classic SIMPSONS episodes?

SISTER HELEN (dir: Sheila Nevins, Not Rated) - A tough-as-nails nun in New York City, who lost her husband and sons to substance abuse, opens a rehab clinic in the South Bronx and earns respect with her no-nonsense approach to battling personal demons. This is the latest from Docurama, the coolest documentary distributor.

STANDER (dir: Bronwen Hughes, R) –Tom Jane plays Andres Stander, a real life South African police officer who robbed banks.   

SUMMER THUNDER (dir: Spencer Schilly, Not Rated) – This story of a porn actor who is too old and out of shape to make films anymore has been described as a combination of FORREST GUMP and PINK FLAMINGOS. I feel very sincerely that we should run away very fast.

SURVIVING CHRISTMAS (dir: Mike Mitchell, PG-13) – Ben Affleck, welcome to rock bottom.

THIS SO-CALLED DISASTER (dir: Michael Almereyda, R) - This documentary recounts the struggle faced by Sam Shepard and friends when putting on a stage production of "The Late Henry Moss". Friends include Sean Penn, Woody Harrelson, Nick Nolte, and Cheech (yes, that Cheech) Marin.

THREE (dir: Russell Mulcahy, PG-13) - This ESPN bio-pic proves why Dale Earnhardt really was the greatest at turning slightly left.

THUNDERBIRDS (dir: Jonathan Frakes, PG) – It’s like LOST IN SPACE, only with Bill Paxton. And speaking of that handsome devil, has everyone seen our brand new autographed portrait of him?

TIBET : CRY OF THE SNOW LION (dir: Tom Peosay, Not Rated) – Hey Brunswick, did you hear? Tibet is the new Cuba .

TIME OF THE WOLF (dir: Michael Haneke, R) – After FUNNY GAMES, THE SEVENTH CONTINENT, CODE UNKNOWN and THE PIANO TEACHER, Michael Haneke has established himself as one of the most interesting directors in the world. Here he re-teams with his PIANO TEACHER muse, Isabelle Huppert, for a vaguely post-apocalyptic drama set in the French countryside. There’s a palpable sense of dread that spreads infectiously through each frame and certainly doesn’t make for casual viewing. Adventurous renters will be rewarded though.  

TWILIGHT SAMURAI, THE (dir: Yoji Yamada, Not Rated) – Set near the end of the Shogun period in Japan, THE TWILIGHT SAMURAI is an epic that won a boatload of awards around the world, including 12 Japanese Film Academy Awards.

TWO BROTHERS (dir: Jean-Jacques Annaud, PG) – A lion cub movie from the director of THE BEAR and QUEST FOR FIRE . Which leads me to believe that this will be a cross between THE BEAR and QUEST FOR FIRE . With lion cubs.

VIVA LALDJERIE (dir: Nadir Mokneche, Not Rated) – Here’s this month’s Film Movement selection, and it’s from Algeria. Director Nadia Mokneche is apparently known as the Algerian Almodovar, which is certainly intriguing. The story concerns several women in modern day Algiers struggling to find a balance between their hopes and fears, their dreams and reality.

WAKE OF DEATH (dir: Philippe Martinez, R) – Jean Claude Van Damme! Enough with the kicking already!

WE DON 'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE (dir: John Curran, R) - This wrenching portrait of marital infidelity has been called a throwback to the rich character studies of the 1970's. Naomi Watts, Laura Dern, Mark Ruffalo, and Peter Krause star as two couples with continually redefined borders. Easily one of the best American films of the year.

WESTENDER (dir: Brock Morse, PG-13) - Set in a fictitious medieval world, WESTENDER, a low budget indie with huge ambitions, is already developing a rabid cult fanbase. The story follows a once legendary knight who has fallen from grace on his journey towards redemption. Shot entirely in Oregon .

WHERE THE RED FERN GROWS (dir: Lyman Dayton / Sam Pillsbury, PG) – Dave Matthews acts! Nobody cares!

WICKER PARK (dir: Paul McGuigan, PG-13) – In this remake of the French thriller L’APPARTEMENT, Josh Hartnett plays a guy whose girlfriend disappears without a trace. When he spots her in a café, he’s determined to unravel the mystery.

WILBUR (WANTS TO KILL HIMSELF) (dir: Lone Scherfig, R) – There must be something special about this film since every film critic seems to describe it as “life-affirming”. That’s really saying something since the movie is all about suicide.

WIMBLEDON (dir: Richard Loncraine, PG-13) – Kirsten Dunst plays a rising tennis star who falls for Paul Bettany, a player on the decline. Can their love galvanize him to give it one more shot at the grandest tournament of them all?

WITNESSES (dir: Vinko Bresan, Not Rated) - Here's the latest in the Film Movement series and this month it's from Croatia ! It's a lighthearted romp about twenty-somethings trying to find laughs and love in Zagreb . Just kidding, it's about war atrocities.

YOUNG BLACK STALLION (dir: Simon Wincer, G) – Ooh, a prequel. Much better than BLACK STALLION HEADS OFF TO THE GLUE FACTORY.